


maybe i'll see you in another life (if this one wasn't enough)

by arcanum (owlkaashi)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fic inspired by a song, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, M/M, no beta we die like warriors, original female character as Akaashi's sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24273502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlkaashi/pseuds/arcanum
Summary: Homes decay and wither until there is nothing left to do but grieve. What is grief if not love with no place to go. It is love without a home.Or the 4 times the universe let them love each other and the time the universe finally let them keep each other.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	maybe i'll see you in another life (if this one wasn't enough)

**Author's Note:**

> hey hey hey!!!! ok so like the tags say, this is a fic inspired by a florence + the machine song [(it's called 'how big, how blue, how beautiful')](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsHOfrhTmQY). I hope y'all enjoy! (excuse me as i go disassociate as y'all read this mess of a fic)

**i.**

They say that fate binds those destined to love each other, in every life and universe they exist. Bound by a cord and a faceless deity. Fate promises them a love that transcends death, time, and space.

Akaashi knew better than to make homes out of people. He knows better than to use a beating heart as the foundation, bones as the pillars, and muscles as the walls. 

Because when a beating heart stutters and inevitably stops, there will be no ground left to stand on. Homes turn into ruins when there is nothing left but dust and dirt. 

Homes decay and wither until there is nothing left to do but grieve. What is grief if not love with no place to go. It is love without a home.

He knows not to make homes out of people, but he supposes he never did know better because Bokuto always felt like home to him.

The season is starting to change, the once green leaves turn brown and fall and the winds blow a little more colder. The cold bites at his skin, it's a welcome feeling rather than the pinprick of heat during summer.

The days have grown shorter and dusk is on the horizon before he even knows it. As he watches the sun sets, he finds himself wishing Bokuto was there to watch it with him like they always did.

_It's bittersweet,_ he thinks, to be at the place where they had met each other all those years ago, to be where Bokuto had proposed that night, watching the same sunset that marked their beginnings without the other beside him.

He climbs off the hill and heads home. As he pulls into their driveway, his brows furrow when a familiar car is already there. He parks and shuts off the engine, taking a deep breath before he stalks off to whoever was waiting for him.

It's Daichi with Kuroo, both still in their uniform with grim expressions on their face. It feels like someone had knocked the air out of him as soon as he recognized them.

He lets them inside despite his heart hammering in his chest and the unpleasant feeling gnawing at him. None of them talk, none of them knows what to say anyway. Eventually, what feels like an eternity later, it's Kuroo who breaks the silence, his voice breaks in the process too.

"Bokuto-" he pulls out a white envelope and hands it to him- "wanted you to have this."

Akaashi stares at it, he doesn't take it and looks him in the eye as he asks, "Kuroo, what's going on?"

He's still holding out the envelope to Akaashi and sighs like the weight of the world is finally taking its toll on him. "Akaashi, he's not coming back."

"That's not true." He breathes.

"I'm sorry, Akaashi." Daichi's voice is full of remorse but it doesn't break.

One minute. Two. Five, before he finally takes the letter from Kuroo's hand. He doesn't open it, not yet. They leave soon after, leaving Akaashi to his grief.

The letter remains unopened on the coffee table, the stark white paper with his name written neatly on the middle feels like a hot iron to his gut.

He doesn't—couldn't—sleep, so he wanders back into the living room. The dawn is breaking by the time he decides to open the letter with trembling hands.

_Keiji,_

_Hey, hey, hey! I hope that this letter never finds you but if it does, if you're reading this, please remember that I had every intention of coming home to you. I'm sorry, Keiji, I really am. I promised you the rest of my life as you did to me, so now I'm making you another promise._

_I promise to always find you and choose you, Akaashi Keiji. This lifetime was too short and abrupt, and maybe the next one will be too, but know that no matter how long or how many lifetimes it takes, It'll always be you I choose. Infinity times infinity._

_Love,_

_Koutarou._

Fate may have promised them a transcending love but it never promised them that they will always get to keep each other.

**ii.**

In this universe, their story doesn’t end happily. _(Endings are never happy anyway.)_

Being at the altar feels familiar, even more so with Bokuto beside him.

Bokuto, for the lack of better words, squirms and shifts uncomfortably in his suit. Akaashi huffs a small laugh, grabbing his shoulders to steady him but lets go just as quickly as he had held on.

“Are you alright, Bokuto-san?”

Bokuto gives him a thoughtful hum before looking him in the eyes, his mouth opens but no words come out.

“Bokuto-san?” Akaashi doesn’t know what he was expecting or why he even was expecting anything.

He tries one more time, and then the music starts and the guests stand. 

It starts and it doesn’t stop. 

Akaashi zones out, staring straight ahead, and he doesn’t snap out of it until the officiant says, “I believe the couple has prepared their own vows?”

The vows were kept relatively short and simple, and before Akaashi knows it, the first ‘I do’ has been said.

It's Bokuto's turn but he pauses for a moment and then finally says, “I do.”

Two words, three letters. And Akaashi thought there wasn’t anything more heartbreaking than being asked to be the best man at the wedding of the love of his life. 

The sky is blue, the day is long, the sun is a star, and a piece of Akaashi's heart—the one that longs for the life he could have had with Bokuto if he were only selfish enough—will never likely see the stars again.

The venue for the reception was absolutely breathtaking, a luscious garden with vines hanging down from trees and the different flowers complementing the wedding's theme nicely. It looked like paradise, a paradise wherein Akaashi is suffocating.

He excuses himself from his and Bokuto's friends, choosing to linger under the shade of a sakura tree. Even a good distance away from the party, he hears the host introduce the newlyweds and their first dance. He doesn't watch them, but he does tilt his head upward, watching as the petals from the tree fall around him.

It's not until a throat clears from behind him does he let his gaze fall—he turns around. He freezes when he's met with gold for a pair of eyes.

"You weren't in the tent. Are you alright, Akaashi?" 

"I am. Sorry for making you worry, Bokuto-san." 

Bokuto nods but the worry in his eyes doesn't disappear. "Why are you here all alone?"

He thoughtfully hums before he replies, "I've been meaning to tell you something and I needed some place to think."

The worry on Bokuto's face becomes more visible when his brow furrows. "Tell me what?"

"I'm…" _in love with you, for the longest time_ , is what he means to say but what comes out is, "leaving for quite some time, Bokuto-san."

"Oh?" His voice is small like a terrified child, "Why are you telling me this now? Where? How long?"

"I'm sorry for suddenly jumping you with the news. I received my father's message earlier on the way here. He needs me to help him with a project, none of us knows how long it'll take."

"He's in America, isn't he?"

Akaashi hums in agreement and adds, "I leave tonight. A time-sensitive project."

"I don't want you to go." 

He huffs a small laugh, it's pained and foreign to his ears. "There really isn't much of a choice, Bokuto-san. I already agreed."

"Then would you dance with me? As a parting gift?"

He reluctantly agrees. They dance underneath the cascading petals of the tree, under the sky of half-obscured stars from a fast-approaching dusk and the wind softly blowing.

They don't stay like that for long, it's Akaashi who lets go first. He cups Bokuto's face, pulling him forward and plants a kiss on his temple.

They bid each other goodbye and Bokuto's last memory of Akaashi is him with his back turned. This time, it's him who watches the life he could have had walk away from him. 

The ending isn’t a happy one. But it is forgiving.

**iii.**

They meet a little too late in this life. 

There are several moments in Bokuto's life that were made with terrible choices. Three of which landed him in a hospital, but only one of which he meets someone he's so enamoured with.

His stitch itches and it takes him all of his willpower not to scratch the itch on his chest. He knew he shouldn't have pushed himself beyond his limit, not when his heart was working against him. But, maybe for once, his bad choice has given him something good.

He also knows that he shouldn't be outside of his room, wandering the halls of the hospital at almost midnight, but his stitch _really_ itches, he's a night owl, and he's never been good at following rules or keeping still for longer than an hour. 

This is how he ends up a few feet away from an open room with a patient reading so intensely that the man almost doesn't realize that Bokuto was staring.

The man senses, rather than sees, Bokuto and he tears his gaze away from his book to look at him with a questioning look and a tilted head. His book is closed and on his lap as he finally gives Bokuto a small smile.

"Oh, uh, hi!" Bokuto swears he's much more eloquent than this.

"Hello," the man greets him still with a small smile.

"Sorry for bothering you! I was just really curious and I saw that yours was the only room still open."

"It's quite alright, I get the curiosity." He holds his hand out. "I'm Akaashi. Akaashi Keiji."

Bokuto lets himself in and takes Akaashi's hand into his. "I'm Bokuto. Bokuto Koutarou."

This is how they find each other. At midnight, in a hospital room with Bokuto's curiosity and lack of ability to stay still. 

Their conversation is a pleasant one, it didn't have much time to be awkward when Bokuto was talking a mile a minute, but he didn't mind. Welcomed it more than the silence when he was left alone.

"I hope you don't mind me asking, Bokuto-san, but why are you here?"

"Oh!" Bokuto points to his chest and smiles sheepishly. "Bad heart, sports, and overexerting myself isn't exactly one of my best decisions."

Akaashi nods in understanding."Does it still hurt?"

"Hmm, not really. The stitches itch though," he really wants to scratch it, "how 'bout you, 'kaashi? Only if you don't mind, of course!"

Akaashi lightly shakes his head, points to his head and says, "Tumor, Bokuto-san. They're preparing me for surgery the next day after tomorrow."

Bokuto nods, doesn't ask for anything more. Their conversation picks up quickly where they left off before, from why they've landed in a hospital to their favourites. Bokuto learns quickly that Akaashi likes Onigiri and Akaashi learns that Bokuto likes _Yakiniku_. 

Their shared quiet laughter is something the both of them will remember for days to come. They share a few more moments before Bokuto decides to leave Akaashi to rest, but by then, the sun is almost rising.

Bokuto sleeps better than he has in a long time after his conversation with Akaashi. He thinks, maybe, that his unfortunate heart has landed him something good, something pure, something worth holding on to.

The next night, he comes over to Akaashi's room again, this time with a small offering. He hands Akaashi the bag with a shy smile.

Akaashi takes the bag and looks inside. "Bokuto-san, you didn't have to."

"Maybe not-" Bokuto shrugs and fondly laughs at a memory- "but guilt tripping Kuroo about not visiting me was a good way to make him treat me Onigiri."

This is how they love each other. Two strangers sharing a favourite meal in a hospital room late at night, sharing quiet laughter from terrible jokes and even more terrible puns, exchanging both fond and embarrassing moments in their lives like they have known each other for years. 

Maybe they have known each other for years, they might not remember, but perhaps, the soul does.

When Bokuto is about to leave, Akaashi asks him to stay a bit more to watch the sunrise. He agrees and stays.

The sky is painted with oranges and reds and yellows and the monotony of watching sunrises in hospitals are no more. Suddenly, the view is so much brighter, livelier with a sun-kissed and starlit boy sitting side by side.

The third law of physics states that for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. A long winded way of saying that for every good thing, there lurks something unpleasant and vice versa. Bokuto learns just as much.

Kuroo finally came to visit him without guilt tripping and had brought Kenma along. The blond greets him with a small nod, too preoccupied with his game.

“Bro, you look like shit but definitely better.” Bokuto snorts and chucks a pillow at him.

“So where’s lover boy?” Kuroo raises a brow. “Don’t tell me you’re not going to introduce us, bro.”

“I’d introduce you, but he’s currently in surgery.” Bokuto shrugs, an unsettling feeling makes its home in his stomach.

Kuroo doesn’t push for more information and Bokuto silently thanks him. They talk until the nurses remind Kuroo that visiting time is almost over, forcing the duo to say their goodbyes and have Bokuto promise them—mostly Kuroo—that he’ll introduce Akaashi once they both feel well enough to be discharged.

He agrees without a fight. When they leave, he’s reminded of the nagging feeling he can’t seem to shake off, it doesn’t help that he’s also bad at keeping still. He debates whether he should or should not visit Akaashi in his room.

In the end, he decides against visiting Akaashi. Telling himself that the man needed his rest and would still probably be in a medically induced coma—it’s more of an excuse, really, rather than an actual reason—and so, he stays but he paces inside his room.

It’s half past 4 in the morning when he sits back on his bed. The first light reveals a soft blue sky and he wonders if Akaashi could see what he sees. 

He wishes that they could’ve seen this sunrise together.

By the time lunch rolls in, there’s a knock on his door. He frowns, knowing that it isn't Kuroo but he answers anyway.

"Come in."

The door slowly opens, revealing a woman in her late 20s. He doesn't know who she is but he's almost sure that he's seen the same intensity of her eyes before from someone else.

Then—it clicks. He realizes who she is before she even speaks. She stops a few feet from his bed before she introduces herself.

"Bokuto-san, I'm Akaashi Rumi," her voice is steady but her eyes say otherwise, "Keiji's sister."

"Oh, hello!" He doesn't like the feeling in his stomach and he doesn't like where this conversation might lead.

"What brings you here?" He asks, but not unkindly.

She takes a deep breath. "Keiji… he asked me for a favour. Before his surgery yesterday."

"Oh, is he awake now? Can I go see him?"

She doesn't respond, her fingers fidgeting and her eyes cast downward. It takes a while before she speaks again.

"I… I don't know what your relationship was with my brother, but thank you. You made him really happy, happier than he has been in a long time." She pulls out a book from her bag. "He wanted me to give you this." 

She hands him the book, the same one he saw Akaashi reading the night they met. It takes him a few seconds for her words to sink in.

"Was?" He asks, even though the answer is something he already knows.

She nods. "Something went wrong during his surgery and there was nothing more they could've done."

She closes her eyes, letting the tears finally fall. She cries but no sound is coming out of her.

He wants to cry and yell and scream, but he doesn't. He lets the book rest on his lap as he stares ahead at nothing. He wanted to comfort her, but even he was barely kept together by thin and fragile threads. His heart feels heavy in his chest and the sterile air burns him from the inside.

She stops crying a while later, snapping him out of his trance. They don't say anything more, he doesn't ask anything other than his wake and funeral.

She's halfway out the door when she stops and turns to him, a sad smile gracing her lips and says, "I could tell that my brother liked you, even though you had only known each other for two days. Thank you, really, Bokuto-san."

He tries for a smile—he's sure that it came out as more of a grimace—and nods. 

"Thank you for giving me this and for telling me." She nods, then the door finally closes.

Kuroo comes half an hour later and signs his discharge papers, he’s home before the sun sets. He sits down on his bed with the book tightly clutched in his hands. He doesn’t open it, but for the first time since he learned of Akaashi’s passing, he cries.

They’ve known each other for two days—just a whole, short 48 hours—yet it hurts as if they’ve known each other since they were born. He knows, though, that it’s exactly why it is so painful. To _have_ something turn into what could have been, a what if, an almost, and now what never will be.

He doesn’t attend the wake the next day, choosing to spend it alone to wander around the city. It’s late when he gets back home, Kuroo's asleep on the couch where he waited for him. 

Morning comes and he had meant to attend the funeral, he really did. He's in his suit and on his way until dread becomes too much. He drives, no certain destination in mind and stops when he catches sight of a small hill.

He lies on the grass with his coat as a makeshift blanket. He closes his eyes and lets the silence soothe him.

What wakes him is a slight breeze that brushes past his cheek, he opens his eyes to find the sky painted in pinks, violets, and blues. He huffs a small laugh and thinks to himself, _‘It doesn’t matter now that we didn’t get to see that sunrise together.’_

He knows that Akaashi is watching _this_ sunset with him.

**iv.**

This time, they meet a little too early.

Bokuto is 7 years old and Akaashi is 6. 

They're neighbours, but more than that, their parents are close friends. It was only natural for them to be spending so much time with each other with their parents' history, the open backyard, and their windows facing each other.

As loud and obnoxious as Bokuto is, he's never too much for Akaashi. As shy and quiet as Akaashi is, he is never not enough for Bokuto.

Their days are spent in the backyard, climbing trees, both of them under the shade of the tree while Bokuto's eyes are closed as Akaashi reads to him, spraying each other with water in summer, and Bokuto catching butterflies for Akaashi, releasing them when Akaashi insists.

Their nights are spent in the backyard, lying on the lush green grass as Akaashi names constellations for Bokuto as he listens intently, sometimes in their respective rooms as they communicate through their adjacent window, sneaking into each other's rooms when the other has a nightmare, and watching the sunset and sunrise on the horizon.

Bokuto is 19 years old and Akaashi is 18.

The miracle is this, they're in love with each other and always will be.

_It's him,_ they think, _It's always going to be him_.

The tragedy is this, sometimes love is not enough.

It didn’t matter how much they loved each other, the only thing that did matter was what the reality of their world wanted from them.

Akaashi leaves and so does Bokuto. One goes on to become a doctor on one side of the hemisphere and the other goes on to become a photographer, bouncing from one corner of the earth to another. One trying to save lives for the one he lost and the other trying to save moments in life for the ones he never took.

Promises are meant to be kept but what can you do when fate has other plans?

_(At the end of the day, fate is fickle as it is forgiving.)_

For as much as people believe that the world is a small place, their paths never cross again in this life.

**v.**

Like atoms created near each other at the birth of the universe, souls bound by fate will always find their way to one another as constants always do.

A promise of infinity with an unforgiving fate never bodes well, but if they were to be anything, let it be stubborn and in love.

It's half past three in the morning and he can feel Bokuto's gaze on him. They're in bed but neither of them are asleep, there's an arm around his waist and another caressing his cheek.

There's something swimming in his gold-hue eyes but he's smiling like a lovesick fool nonetheless. 

Akaashi hums. "What is it, Koutarou?"

The next words out of his mouth has Akaashi reeling and left breathless.

"Marry me." 

"What?" He looks at him, wide-eyed and searching.

Bokuto huffs out a laugh before kissing his temple. He pulls something out from underneath his pillow, it glints under the moonlight spilling from their window.

This time, Bokuto takes his hand in his. "Marry me."

It's not a question but not quite a demand either. It's spoken softly with confidence, as if he had known the answer all along.

_(As if Akaashi would have any other answer.)_

"Do I have a choice?" He asks with a grin on his face and mischief in his eyes.

Bokuto squawks and whines. "Akaashi!"

"If I marry you, will you promise to pick up after yourself?" He teases.

"I promise to always choose you. You have me for the rest of our life and the ones after."

His eyes are brimming with tears but he asks, "Yeah, but are you gonna pick up after yourself?"

"Yes, that too."

"Then I promise my past, my present, and my future to you. All of this life and the ones after. Until the end of infinity."

He grabs Bokuto by the neck and pulls him closer, kissing him like he's a breath of fresh air after being underwater for so long.

"Is that a yes?" 

He rolls his eyes at him, an evident exasperated fondness as he does, "Did you really have to ask?"

The ring finds its way on his left ring finger, it's cold and a foreign weight on him but not an unwelcome one. Bokuto laces his fingers with his, slow and featherlight touches traces circles on his hip with the other hand.

Bokuto's grin is wide and bright when he says–

"Infinity–"

"–times infinity." Akaashi finishes.

Outside, spring takes the reins and the leafless trees are covered in green once more and gardens burst into life with colour as flowers grow. Sakuras are at peak bloom and the light from the dawn breaking paints a breathtaking scene.

Grief, as they say, is love with no place to go. It is love without a home.

_(But Bokuto is here with him and his love is finally home.)_

**Author's Note:**

> I really really hope y'all enjoyed!! 
> 
> comments and kudos are very much appreciated!! 
> 
> (please comment bc i lowkey wanna feel validated lmao)
> 
> (also im v v fragile sopleasebekindwiththecomments :')) ahah)
> 
> come scream with me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/akaamshikei)  
> or if you want to ask me anything, [ask me here!](https://curiouscat.qa/akaamshikei)


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